Love After Becoming

Episode Note: In this episode of Talking T‑ea, Juelz shares her personal experience of learning to build healthy love while continuing to grow in recovery, self-acceptance, and self-discovery. This conversation is based on lived experience and is not a substitute for professional mental-health, relationship, or recovery support. If you would like to join Talking T‑ea and share your own journey of love, healing, recovery, transgender life, HIV, or becoming who you truly are, email talkingtea.juelzpodcast@gmail.com. Your story could help someone feel seen, understood, and less alone.

Want to share your story on Talking T‑ea? I welcome guests who are ready to share their personal journeys, experiences, and truth. Your story could inspire someone, create understanding, or remind another person that they are not alone. To be considered as a guest, email talkingtea.juelzpodcast@gmail.com.

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Today we are talking about love after becoming, or maybe I should say love while becoming, because none of us are ever completely finished. This episode is about dating while continuing to grow, not losing yourself inside a relationship, loving somebody without giving up your dreams, communicating honestly, and allowing your partner to evolve too. And I want to be real, I'm not speaking as somebody who has mastered all of this. I'm speaking as somebody who is living it, noticing old patterns when they show up, and trying to choose something healthier one day at a time. I'm your host, Jules, and I'm so happy to be back behind this mic, let me tell you. I guess I had some uh writers' blocks. It's uh been a minute since the last episode, and I have been living some life. I have been working, going to school, staying connected to recovery, navigating my emotions, and learning more about myself through the relationship I am in now. I think sometimes we definitely um can believe self-discovery happens only when we are single and alone, but relationships can become one of the clearest mirrors we will ever look into. Um, they show us where we have been, where we healed, where we are still afraid, and where an old version of us is trying to protect the life we have today. The title of this episode is Love After Becoming. But the truth is, becoming never ends. Getting clean did not finish me. Accepting myself as a trans woman did not finish me. Going back to school did not finish me. Finding somebody who loves me did not finish me. Those experiences only have open doors, but I still have to walk through them every day. Before we get into it, remember that I'm sharing my own experience. Recovery in relationships always look different for everyone. Take what helps you, leave what does not, and always reach out to a trusted professional or supports person or system if something in your relationship feels unsafe. So let's first talk about dating while continuing to grow in sobriety, self-acceptance, and self-love. For me, it's kind of hard not to plan my future. Oh my god. And I laugh when I say that because I'm so serious, okay? Most of my life I really did not have any health relationships. Um, they were often traumatizing or unhealthy. Um, I gave too much. Um, I had very few boundaries and sometimes confused being needed with being loved. And I just seriously laugh about it because, you know, when finally a person like myself has something in life that is worth having, and you know, we really appreciate things. Um, it's basically like, okay, here's what's gonna happen, you know, like the next 10 years of our life and the wedding is planned, it's on. Um, when instability is what you know, peace can almost make you nervous. You can meet somebody who is consistent, caring, and respectful. And instead of simply enjoying it, your mind starts asking, when is this going to change? When will they leave? Is this real? What do I need to do to make sure that I do not lose it? Since walking in recovery and trying to live differently, I have been making better decisions and choosing healthier relationships. Uh, that is new for me, but it is possible. Getting sober, getting clean, healing, whatever language fits your journey, does not mean every old fear disappears. It means we begin to recognize those fears before they make every decision for us. I find there is a thin line sometimes. I'm in a healthy relationship, my partner treats me right, he respects my life, my recovery, my choices, and the goals I have for myself. Coming from a place where I didn't always have that, it's hard not to grab hold of it and immediately plan the rest of my life as I was saying around it. That urge does not make me bad or needy. And I know sometimes as I'm growing and recognizing these um patterns of thoughts, it makes me like, you know, stop and be like, wow, like, you know, this is crazy to even like see that I can see this now. Um, wanting a future with someone is not wrong. The question is whether I'm dreaming about a future while still living in the present, or whether I'm using the future to calm a fear that lives inside me today. And that's part of that big, you know, like stopping and realizing if I'm just trying to use the future to calm that fear. Old patterns tell me hold this down before it gets taken away. Make yourself impossible to leave. Give more, be more. That was the old me. Prove that you deserve this. But healthy love does not require me to perform for my place in somebody's life. I should contribute, communicate, and care, but I should not have to abandon myself to earn security. And I really love that um today that you know I can just be who I am and be me and live the life who I am truly today. You know, I get to talk about my BBL and I get to talk about my podcast, and I get to talk about finishing up my school and becoming a psychologist and therapist um in counselor to people. And it's really cool that, you know, my significant other really respects that. I will say though, one thing that recovery keeps teaching me today is just for today. Um, that does not mean we never make plans. We can talk about next month, next year, moving careers and dreams, but I do not have to emotionally live 10 years ahead. Today is this relationship uh respectful? Are we honest? Are our actions matching our words? Am I still taking care of myself? Those questions give me something real to stand on. So if you're dating while rebuilding your life, give yourself permission to move at a pace that protects your growth. You do not need to become smaller because you are loved, um, and you do not need to rush because love feels good. Let the relationship earn trust through time and let yourself enjoy what is real today. Take a moment and ask yourself, am I enjoying this relationship as it is, or am I trying to make it guarantee that I will never be abandoned again? So are you using it as a crutch, or are you actually enjoying it and living and growing with each other? Not losing yourself in a relationship. So, um, what brought me to this topic of a relationship as being trans woman and in recovery, you know, like I'm kind of learning to live my life all over again because recovery, um, we hear a lot, you know, whenever we started using drugs, that age is the age that we stopped growing. And when I started using drugs, I was literally like 13 years old. And so three and a half years ago, coming into the rooms of recovery or just the journey of recovery uh has been, you know, like I can see where that saying comes from. Like, you know, I was basically a child starting to use drugs and not being able to allow myself to grow and to become a person and a real adult. And so, like, I came up with this idea of this episode because let me tell you in the beginning, okay, with the um my boo now, I love him so much and he's awesome and amazing, and it's just so funny. Um, I think it was like what like three, four months. We had just started like dating, and like I'm like, this guy's really cool, right? Like, he's so cool and he like doesn't judge me. I was able to be open and honest about all my past, all my stuff. And then um he's like, Yeah, I'm going to Vegas with my family for Christmas. And I was just like, Okay, you know, right away that whole old me, that old part of me is like, Oh, he's gonna leave me, he's going, you know, he's gonna go be with somebody else, he's not coming back, you know, all those like traumatizing old patterns of thoughts and just like the past relationships that I've had that have taught me that, that's kind of what I reverted to. And so that was a lesson for me in itself. Um, and so, man, let me tell you, okay, the first couple days it was like, why isn't he texting me? Like, you know, we would text throughout the day or whatever, and then at the nighttime, like uh we would text, and then all of a sudden it'd go quiet and he wouldn't text till the next day. And so I was just like, what is he doing, you know? And um, so that was like five, four, five, six days. But by like the sixth day, you know, like throughout the days, we're like having contact, you know, and I was able to like do some FaceTime or whatever, just so that like I can have like my assurance or whatever, you know, he worked that with me. And um yeah, so it's just so crazy because like by the sixth day, you know, I'm just like, listen, you know, like he's gonna come or he's gonna go. And with or without him, like I'm gonna be okay, you know, and that's something in my past and with this abandonment issue that I have with myself and learning to grow and um to heal is what I have to like, I have to love myself, you know, I have to be okay with myself, and I have to like know that like you know, love is gonna be here if it's meant to be, and if it's not, then I'm still gonna be okay because guess what? I get to love myself. And so by the sixth day, I'm telling you, that was like that was what was going through, and that's what I had to learn. And even though like the con uh the contact wasn't like, you know, like how do I wanna say always happening, you know, like we're not always even now, like even, you know, like we talk and we text each other and stuff like that. And I'm okay with that. Like it's not, I'm not tripping out about that. Um, I really do appreciate being able to have our space and being able to like live with ourselves and everything, you know? And so that's like that first part that I'm talking about when, you know, like you're trying to still become. Um, and so yes, we just kind of come to this next like not losing yourself in a relationship. Um, when I say this, I'm talking about something I've had to watch closely. Um, when we start living better and then find somebody who respects us, cares for us, and connects with us. It's easy to want to give that person everything at first. Um, that can look romantic, you know, because it's the whole, how do they talk about it? The honeymoon space. Um, but slowly when uh without realizing it, sometimes we can stop showing up for our own lives. Um, maybe we can skip a meeting because we want more time together. Then we skip the gym, we stop calling friends, we put off homework, therapy, prayer, meditation, creative work, or whatever kept us grounded before the relationship. We start measuring the day by whether they texted, how quickly they responded, or whether their mood feels different. I've learned that love should add to my life, not erase the rest of it. And I just love this because even like, you know, he tells me too, you know, like we can't, we gotta live our lives, and we can't, like, you know, if you have to focus on somebody and have to need that person, that's not good. And I like that about him. Um, my recovery existed before this relationship, and it still does. Um, it does remain a priority inside the relationship. My education matters, my podcast matters, my health matters, my faith, my friendships, my family, and my future matter. None of that is a threat to love. Those are the pieces that make me the person my partner connected with in the first place. And I'm really proud of that. Not losing yourself also means remembering that your partner cannot be your only source of comfort, validation, entertainment, and purpose. That is too much weight for one person to carry. And it leaves us terrified anytime they need space, you know, and that's that part, like where like recently this also came up as a good idea for a topic because, you know, like we're just kind of talking about what we each want to do with ourselves in our lives. And so he was talking about starting up a company and stuff, you know, because he lives out of town on his ranch and everything. And so, like, here I go again, planning the future, right? Like, when are you gonna move in? Like, I want you to move in, you should move in, whatever. Like planning the whole future and stuff, and not thinking about today. But um, the the reason I came up with this also was this part was because you know, talking about our goals and talking about just stuff that we would like to do, or maybe like something to see happen for ourselves. And like he said he wanted to start a business or whatever, and like right away, my brain says, you know, what about me? He's gonna leave me, he's gonna find someone while he's doing a job or whatever, you know. And so I actually was like not, I was not um, I didn't. Oh my gosh, why am I going blank right now? I was not compassionate to his idea. I basically was like right away, oh, it's not gonna work out. There's probably not enough people for that. You know, I cut his like thought and his um, you know, his observation or his um, oh my god, I'm going blank right now. This is crazy. I cut off his thought and his goal or you know, his inspiration that he was thinking of and stuff. And so later on I was able to look at myself for that and notice that you know what, like this is crazy. I'm like basically thinking about, you know, being selfish and thinking about me and all the stuff that like is a threat to me and how I'm gonna lose him. Um, not losing yourself also means remembering that your partner is like not that only source. So we have to always keep in mind that we're all gonna have our own type of like hobbies, our own type of like purpose and like our own type of comfort, but to weigh that on one person for my happiness is a lot and is too much, and in the end, it's gonna be like crushed down, anyways, because how can one person, you know, have that in their life to have to give to one person, you know, like that's just unfair. Expectations for me. This can be as simple as keeping the promises I make to myself. If I said I was going to the gym, I try to go. If I need to study, I study. If I need a recovery meeting, I do not pretend a date, can replace that. If I'm feeling insecure, I can talk to my partner, but I can also use the tools that I have learned instead of demanding that he remove every uncomfortable feeling for me. Boundaries are part of this too. A boundary is not to punish control or um wall that keeps love out. It's a boundary, is information uh about what I need to stay healthy and what I will do if something crosses that line. We can love somebody and still say, I need time to finish my work. I cannot have this conversation while we're yelling. You know, I support your dream, but I cannot give up mine. I need to remain connected to my recovery community. Sometimes we fear that independence means distance, but I'm learning that two whole people can choose one another more freely than two people who feel they cannot survive apart. I love that. That I've never ever felt in my life, and to have that and like you know, to love that from a choice and not from panic is so awesome. I want to miss my partner because I enjoy him, not because I disappear when he's not present, you know. Take a moment and name three parts of your life that still belong to you inside a relationship, and how are you caring for them? Loving someone without giving up your dreams is one of the clearest signs of a healthy relationship. When two people meet, they each arrive with the history, responsibilities, hopes, and some kind of plan. Their need for intimacy and partnership may be similar, but their dreams do not have to become identical. And that's so crazy, you know. Like that's like amazing, but crazy at the same time, you know, because we're all living in our world and we're like, you know, I mean, forgive me, I know in recovery, you know, we say this life is a movie and we're not the main character, we're all extras and stuff like that, but this is my life, and you know, I'm living it. And so when we talk about our dreams not having to be become identical, this is the cool part because we're all living and trying to do the best we can, you know, and live a better life for ourselves. And when we have these dreams and ambitions and goals, responsibilities on a plan, you know, we meet somebody and it's like so crazy to like try to have these plans line up together. Good, good luck with that. But you know, it's not saying that we lose ourselves and we lose our dreams. Sometimes they do um, you know, intertwine, and sometimes there is like some agreements and some compromises, and this becomes the part of a real partner, you know, about being supportive and loving one another and giving each other room for each other selves. Um, this became real when I was talking about that. Um he talked about his own business, starting his own company, you know, and I was totally not supportive about that. Um, his dream was not actually a rejection of me, but an old fear translated his ambition into an abandonment, you know. Uh, that is what thinking errors can do. They take one fact. My partner wants to build a business and create an entire painful story before anything has even happened. So crazy. That's my crazy brains. Once I slow down, I could see that supporting his dream does not mean I become an important. It also does not mean that I have to drop my own goals and organize my whole future around his company. I can encourage him and still finish school. I can celebrate his growth. Um, I could still build my podcast and I can want a life together while allowing both of us to have work that gives us each meanings. Sometimes the loving question is not which one of us gives up our dream. It is how do we make room for both? Maybe that means scheduling quality time instead of expecting them limited time. And I know for me in my past, shoot, I had to have all the time, right? What do them like rap songs say? I love Lotto and like all them girls, they're so cool. But you know, I'm not the I'm the main, I'm the only bitch. I'm not the main bitch, I'm the only one. But um, you know, this kind of like makes me think of that. Anywho, maybe it means checking in about stress, money, and responsibilities. Maybe it means accepting that certain seasons will be busier than others. This next coming season for me for fall. This is my last semester towards my associates, and I will be transferring to university. I'm really excited, kind of nervous. Um, I also have to be honest that another person's dream can trigger comparison if they're moving forward. I might wonder whether I'm falling behind if they are excited about something outside the relationship. I might fear I am no longer exciting enough. But partnership is not a competition for who gets to shine. Their success does not take light away from mine. Or I really hope that mine doesn't take away from his either because um I love the way he shines and I love his lights and his smile in his eyes and his tallness. The right relationship should give both people space to become more fully themselves. Um, and that does not mean every goal will fit perfectly or that compromise will never be needed. Some decisions were to live, finances, family, career. Require real conversation. Compromise means both people participate in creating the solution. Sacrifice becomes unhealthy when the same person is always the one disappearing. So that's really cool. You know, like in my um relationship, you know, like I we just I just love like that part of this, like I guess, session that I came up with. Like, you know, in my past I've always it was just unhealthy because, you know, one of us was always disappearing because of the drugs and because of like, you know, the infidelity with each other. And so I don't have to worry about that. And it's really cool. Like, I don't have to sacrifice and feel unhealthy because I'm disappearing or here's just he's disappearing. We just like have this like compromise, you know, like, and it's not even a compromise, it's just about like ourselves and our space and our lives. I'm practicing a different response now. Instead of jumping straight to what about me, I can say, tell me more about what you want. What would this require? How do you imagine our relationship fitting into it? And I can share my own fears without making him responsible for a future that has not happened, you know? And so I was able to apologize and just let him know that I wasn't not supportive of that idea, and the way that I kind of shot it down was rude. And I was honest, and I told him, like, you know, this is what my thoughts were. And so it's so funny because then he's like, you know, works on the ranch and everything, and he's like talking about how he wanted to get a camper while he's over there working, and like again, this happened, you know. I was like, Well, I kind of took it personal, and right away I'm like off the bat, oh well, like that means you're leaving, like, you don't want to come back, like, you know, I want a future like us like living together or whatever, and it just it's so funny because that's just kind of like I'm trying to practice responding better now, but also too, like I can share these fears without him responsible for them because he's not, it's just me, and it's like what I have to do to like grow from it. Um, I can be honest and that scared and still choose not to turn fear into control. So I know it's just a thought, it's not real. Um, I can support him and ask for reassurance, you know. Like it's really cool that I'm able to talk to him about that and tell him all that. And like, you know, he tells he is honest with me, you know, and just talking about what he, you know, he's saying that that's what he wanted for what he's doing and where he's at right now. And so it's just I can love him and continue building the life that I prayed for. You know, I really think it's important that um partners' growth is not proof that we're being left behind and ask support when that looks like without abandonment to building to. Then I come to my healthy communications part and what that looks like for me or what it can look like. Um, healthy communication sounds simple until we have to do it while we're triggered. For me, it means recognizing my obsessions, thought patterns, thinking errors, and feelings before I act as though every one of them is a fact. It means uh being able to tell my partner what is happening inside me without attacking him or expecting him to read my mind. That's just so awesome about like communication, right? Who would have ever thought? Communication works. There's a difference between saying um you're going to leave me because you do not care, and saying I am feeling insecure today and could use some reassurance. The first statement makes an accusation, and the second tells the truth about my experience and gives us a chance to connect. You know, I really love that. Like about learning how to communicate and being healthy with it. Um, it also includes listening to an answer without searching for hidden meaning, you know, and like, oh my god. I can really laugh at this one too, because that can be hard when trauma has trained us to look for danger. If somebody says, I'm tired, I might hear, I'm tired of you. If they need a quiet night, I might hear, I do not want you anymore. Recovery gives me an opportunity to pause and ask, what did this person actually say? What story did my fear add? Because you know my fear is gonna add something if I let it. I've had a funny example. When I uh began recovery, I gained weight at one point, and like I was around 172 pounds, and I did not like the way I looked or felt. My license had been taken away, so I'd been riding an e-bike and I wore a lot of sweats and long t-shirts. I was trying to cover my body because I did not feel comfortable in it. As my partner and I talked about what we wanted for our lives, we started going to the gym and making progress one day. We were laying in the bed, and I was just feeling so insecure that day. I don't know what happened. It's just sometimes, you know, we don't feel ourselves, and it's just so crazy. There's in these days we like feel insecure, whatever. And we're just laying down in the bed, and I just looked at him and said, You love me, right? And he's like, Yeah, of course I do. I said, Okay. Then he said, The only thing is you could dress a little cuter. Oh my god, and I just like was like laughing. I had to laugh, you know, because him healthy communication does not always arrive wrapped in the exact words we expect. I love honesty, and I thought it was fun. I also understood what he meant as I lost weight and continued growing into myself, but had still been holding on to the clothes that did not fit or did not make me feel like me. I started getting rid of some old clothes and choosing things that helped express myself again. And um, till this day I'm still working on that. So that story works uh because context matters. I felt loved and it was not said to shame or control me. I could hear the honesty without interpreting it as you are not good enough. At the same time, healthy communication means we are allowed to say when something does hurt. Honesty is not permission to be cruel. The goal is truth with care. Healthy communication also includes timing. Not every issue needs to be solved at midnight during an argument through 20 text messages or when one person is rushing to work. Sometimes the most respectful thing we can say is, This matters to me. Can we talk when we are both able to be present? It also includes repair. We will say things badly sometimes. We will get defensive, we may bring old pain into a new conversation. Repair sounds like I was scared, but the way I spoke to you was not okay. Let me try again. Or I understand what hurt you, I'm sorry. What do you need for me now? An apology is not always the words I'm sorry. It also has uh changed the behavior that follows, and forgiveness does not mean pretending something didn't happen. Before your next difficult conversation, try separating three things. What happened? What story did I tell myself about it? And what do I need to ask for now? Allowing each other to evolve is something I'm still working on. I sometimes carry the thought that um, you know, sometimes he's going to leave, or I wait for the next shoe to drop. Uh, the fear is active change is can feel dangerous, even positive change. The person I love today will not be exactly the same five years from now, and neither will I. We will discover interest, make mistakes, change jobs, develop new goals, and understand ourselves differently. And uh a healthy relationship cannot require both people to remain frozen so that nobody ever feels uncertain. Allowing someone to evolve means giving them space to try things without mocking them, controlling them, or predicting failure. It means letting them experience their own lessons while still believing and being there if things do not work out. Support does not always mean rescuing. Sometimes it means believing they can handle their own life. This does not mean we accept everything in the name of growth. If a partner's choices become dishonest, unsafe, abusive, or completely incompatible with our lives, we have the right to protect ourselves. Evolving is not an excuse for hurting someone. I want my relationship to be a place where we can both say, this is what I'm learning about myself, without immediately fearing that honesty will end us. That requires curiosity. Instead of asking, how do I stop this change? I can ask, what does this mean to you? What support are you asking for? Is there anything you need me to understand? And then I can honestly name what comes up for me too. The challenge is trusting that love can survive moment. I do not have to hold somebody still to keep them close. If the relationship is healthy, we can keep choosing each other while we each grow. And if growth reveals something needs to change, I would rather face the truth than preserve a relationship by forcing us both to pretend. That's always never good. And I come to my final ending, my final thought for today in this um session. We are never finished becoming ourselves. My people and my recovery um crew, you know, we each every year we have a word, and my year for the word was becoming. Um, you know, becoming ourselves. We're never finished. I used to imagine healing as a destination. I um thought maybe one day I would wake up fully confident, never jealous, never afraid, never triggered, and completely sure of every decision. And that is not how my life has worked. Healing has looked more like noticing the old thoughts sooner. It has looked like taking a breath before sending the message. It has looked like admitting I am afraid you will forget about me, instead of creating a fight to test whether somebody will stay. And that's like really like a big thing because back in the day, you know, oh yeah, let's start a little fight. Let's create a little bit of argument, you know, just to see like how how bad this person's gonna stay. Progress is not the absence of insecurity. Sometimes progress is knowing what to do when insecurity visits. I can reach for my recovery tools, um, I can journal, pray, meditate, call someone I trust, um, go to the gym, attend a meeting, or focus on the next right thing. I can ask my partner for reassurance without making reassurance an endless test he can never pass. Self-love is always um not thinking that I'm perfect. It's believing I'm worthy of care while I am still learning. It is refusing to speak to myself in ways I would never speak to someone I love. It is remembering that being chosen by a partner does not create my value, and being left by somebody could never erase it. As a trans woman, continuing self-discovery has also meant giving myself permission to change how I express myself. It has meant letting go of versions of me that were created for survival. I can become softer, stronger, more visible, more honest, and more myself. A loving partner can witness that becoming, but they do not own it. Recovery is similar. I do not complete recovery and put it on a shelf. I live it. Some days I feel strong, and other days I have to return to the basics. The same is true in relationships. Love is not one promise that handles the rest of our lives. It is a series of honest choices, boundaries, conversations, repairs, and moments of care. Maybe the goal is not to become fearless before we love. Maybe the goal is to stop allowing fear to be the only voice in the relationship. We can hear it, understand where it comes from, and then choose according to the life we are building. If you're listening and you recognize yourself in any of this, I want you to know you are not broken. Old relationship patterns were often ways we learned to survive. We do not have to hate the version of ourselves that became clingy, guarded, controlling, distant, or desperate for reassurance. We can thank that version for trying to protect us and then let them know we have healthier tools now. This week, I want you to reflect on four questions. What part of yourself are you committed to keeping alive inside your relationship? When fear appears, what is the fact and what is the story your fear created? How can you support your partner's dream without abandoning your own? For me, love after becoming does not mean I arrived at a finished person and then found a relationship. It means I'm learning how to love while I continue becoming. I am learning that healthy love can feel unfamiliar without being unsafe. I'm learning that closeness does not require losing myself. I'm learning that my partner's dreams are not automatically a threat and my fears can be spoken without being placed in control. Most of all, I'm learning that I do not have to grip love tightly to make it real. I can care for it, communicate, show up, and allow it to breathe. I can love somebody deeply and still becoming jewels. Thank you for sitting with me and sharing this space. If this episode connected with you, share it with somebody who is learning how to love without losing themselves. You can also reach out and tell me what Healthy Love has taught you or what it's been teaching you. And you know, I always love to have people on the show. So if you are listening and you would love to be a part of this show, um, I do have my email inside of my footnotes. Please reach out. Let's get you on here. Let's share some stories, let's share some struggles, let's share some success. I would really love to hear from people. Um, and I'm sure other people would love to hear from you too. This has been Talking T. Until next time. Keep choosing yourself, keep choosing honesty, and keep becoming. And remember, sip slow, love hard, and stay proud. I'm out of the way, and then we're gonna be able to do that.